I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just threw up on my dentist
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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