my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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