Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
