Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
