Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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