Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
