I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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