note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
