I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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