i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
