I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
