You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize