3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
