just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
