i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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