grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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