is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I want is dick and wine.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
