I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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