Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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