I will die if light touches me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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