we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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