I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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