I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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