he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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