Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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