He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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