Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
