i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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