just come out here and I will go home with you...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
