Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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