I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
