her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
