All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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