Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
