I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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