this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
