I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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