btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
