Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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