there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's rum buckets o'clock
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
