I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
