guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
