Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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