dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
