She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
