Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
