I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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