If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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