you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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