saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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