I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
