Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
