The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
