Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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