Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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