If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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