Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
