textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
