Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
